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Two guys drove to a Home Depot. One walked in to the building materials section and said, “I'm looking for four-by-twos.”The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “Maybe ... I’ll go check” and went back to the truck. He came back into the building materials section a few minutes later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.” “Okay" the salesman (trying to keep a straight face in the midst of the humor of the event) said, "how long you need 'em?” The customer thought for a minute and said, “I’ll be back.” After a while, he came back in and said, “Well, forever, I guess. We’re building a house.” A guy walks into a bar after a hard day of construction and asks for a beer. 
After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another one.After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another. This goes on for six or seven beers before the humor of the situation wears off and the bartender finally asks, "Why do you look in your shirt pocket every time you finish a beer?" "I have a picture of my wife in there", the man says. "When she starts to look good, it's time to go home."
And, here's a few creative ways to All foam, no beer. A few clowns short of a circus. Not the sharpest blade in the toolbox Like the Good Humor Man, he gives me a brain freeze The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's gone. Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking. He's got a brain, its just not up to code. She's plugged in, but her breaker's tripped. The butter has slid off his pancake. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Too many mice in the attic. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Smart as bait. He's got dry rot in his rafters. One fruit loop shy of a breakfast. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Receiver is off the hook. The cheese slid off his cracker. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold 'em together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover's on. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. A few fries short of a happy meal. Is so dense, light bends around him. If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargles. She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl too long. A young sub contractor was sent to do some work on a kitchen remodel in an upscale neighborhood. 
He gets there mid-morning and starts in. As the morning goes on, he hears a voice coming from the living room. The sub doesn't think much about it, but it goes on for some time and finally the sub decides to take a look. Peeking around the corner, he's surprised to see nobody there! Suddenly, he hears the voice again and turns to find a parrot sitting on a perch asking how the work is coming."What?" The guy says. "I asked"" said the parrot, "how the job was progressing." Speechless, the sub just stared at the bird. "Well, as long as you're here" the bird said, "how would you like to hear about the message I delivered to the sultan in India during the Farusik wars?" The sub was dumfounded. And for the next half hour or so the parrot told of near misses by poison darts, flights in the dead of night through enemy lines, capture and finally escape to complete the mission which won him "The International Sacred Leaf of Peace" award. The bird had just started telling the young guy about how President Reagan had heard of his bravery and sent Air Force One to bring him to the United States, when the homeowner came in. "Hey" the sub said. "This is some bird you have!" "Yeah, I guess so." Replied the homeowner. "He's for sale." "Really?" The sub barked back. "How much?" The homeowner looked at him and softly replied "Ten dollars, and I'll throw in the cage" "TEN DOLLARS?" he yelled back "I'll take him!!" The sub reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten dollar bill and handed it to the homeowner. "I can't believe it," the sub said. "Why would you sell a bird like that for ten dollars? The homeowner leaned forward and whispered "He's such a liar."
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